Let’s Replace Central Park With An Airport! Ha?

Some secret group called the Manhattan Airport Foundation thinks it’s time to do away with the world’s most famous park and put a state of the art aviation facility in middle of Manhattan. Now is certainly the time for bold ideas–but is this one a little too bold? Let’s at least give the MAF a respectful hearing:

Does New York City really need an airport?

New York City is the financial and cultural capital of the United States. It is also our most densely populated urban area. The Foundation believes these characteristics make an airport a vital transportation necessity for individuals living and working in Manhattan, as well as visitors to the area.

What about the AirTrain, can’t we just take that to JFK?

The AirTrain and Kennedy airport are vital for residents of Queens and Long Island. However neither one is a viable solution for individuals living and working in Manhattan. The trip from downtown Manhattan traveling by subway on the E Line from Canal Street station, then transferring in Jamaica Queens and taking the AirTrain to terminal 8 takes one hour and fifty minutes door-to-door. For individuals living and working in Manhattan as well as visitors to New York City, this is not a workable model.

I own an apartment alongside Central Park. What will Manhattan Airport do to my property value?

History has proven that bringing a transportation amenity to an underserved region elevates the perception and economic well-being of the area. In the past, these types of transformative public works projects have created an influx of interest and new investment in the neighborhoods in which they have been built. There may be some who resist the progress. But as neighborhood residents, small business owners and local civic organizations begin to experience the economic “trickle-down” effect these types of large scale redevelopment projects have precipitated time and time again; Manhattan Airport will be embraced.

What about the environmental impact of building Manhattan Airport?

Research shows that single-passenger car-service and taxi trips between Manhattan and JFK/EWR/LGA account for up to 9% of automobile-created carbon-based emissions in the region. Reducing our environmental impact is a major concern for all of us and preliminary findings indicate that building Manhattan Airport can be a critical first step as we strive to live up to our long-neglected environmental responsibility. The upcoming Manhattan Airport Feasibility Study (2010) will provide a more detailed analysis of these findings and will be published early next year.

Well, they’re don’t actually think all that, of course. They’re being ironic!

But here’s a question: To what end? Some of the writing is clever–”When it comes to outdoor leisure spaces [New Yorkers] are nearly paralyzed with options”–and they apparently got Huffington Post to bite on the gag and put it on their front page as a news item… but it seems like there ought to be some kind of organizing principle here beyond fooling naive people. And nothing really popped out for us.

It’s like they’re making fun of Robert Moses, but that’s kind of like making fun of Brezhnev, isn’t it? The worldview is ancient history.

Thinking back to our “Theory of Elaborate Internet Gags” class at college, we were taught that these exercises are more compelling if they make a coherent point and aren’t just a meandering exercise in mocking everything and flaunting one’s Olympian capacity for irony. Also, if there is a point, it’s preferable not to bury the point under too many layers of carefully honed satire, given the ADD pandemic that’s swept the globe in recent years.

But, then again, maybe we’re just being dense and/or sticklers.